Get Out of The Rut: The Character Resume

Aug31

Sometimes we go through life in a rut and don’t even realize we are in it. One day, we become aware that something isn’t quite right but yet, we can’t seem to put a finger on why. Not realizing that there is a “second” resume on the table– one of character and integrity. This particular resume erodes the trust and respect of friends and loved ones and undermines our potential for success. It’s the measure of who we are as human beings as it relates to how we treat others and respect ourselves.. What it is not is the typical life errors and mistakes that make us perfectly imperfect and human. Sadly,we live day-to-day without knowing this is the self-destructive road on which we travel. Sometimes we need to actually read this resume in order for it to resonate.

But there is good news. There is a way out. First, we have to accept personal responsibility for our actions and become determined to make a change. But before that can happen, truth and self awareness must come into play. It is time to rewrite the “life resume” we have so unwittingly crafted. Different from an employment resume, this life resume encompasses behaviors and irrational beliefs that hinder personal maturity and growth. Second, once we have acknowledged the existence of this resume, we begin to seek ways to repair the damage. It’s not easy but then nothing worthy of gaining comes “easy”. If your “life resume” remotely resembles this, then it is time to self reflect.

Character Lacking

1120 Integrity Way

Distrust, IL 90321

Objective: To enhance current skills while increasing sense of entitlement. Willing to not take responsibility for my actions, blame others for my problems, and avoid all opportunities to have a viable and successful future, while manipulating those who love me and are willing to give me a free ride. Forever tethered to people who have no concern for my life, I have no intention of making changes that will set me on a self-sufficient path. Seeking those who will elevate my current lifestyle, cosign the negativity in my life, all while stroking my ego and helping me to get nowhere in life.

2013 Child Support Evasion, Location Irrelevant

Charismatic and charming

Multiple “people creation” skills current count: unknown

Avoidance expert

Party enhancement supplies

Anger management expert

Female/male abuse expert

2010 Possession of stolen items, Location Irrelevant

Spent 8 years ‘abroad’ and learned new techniques

Excellent detection avoidance systems and analysis skills

Adapts to unexpected situations such as drop and flee

Experience in resale retail

1999 Gun possession by felon, Location Irrelevant

Expert at weapons concealment

Weapons purchase and resale

Can fire at multiple targets with 10% accuracy

1998 Drug possession with intent to sell, Location Irrelevant

Promoted to sales

Customer service oriented—delivered day and night

Top seller in crew (er, distribution department)

Excellent officer detection skills

1996 Burglary, Location Irrelevant

Lock expert

Keen sight – look out expert

Escapes detection with ease

Salesman of the month

1995 Drug possession, Location Irrelevant

Carried drugs upon person in order to get high

Well versed in lighting and inhaling, snorting, and needle work

Alcohol extraction expert

EDUCATION

Unimportant

HOBBIES

Running (er, jogging)

Skills

Weapons, stealth, Facebook and Instagram, fashion, feigning innocence, alcohol inducement, People making, partying, finger work (“throwing those signs”), and manipulation

References

…? Holla back?

POEM: I AM SANDRA BLAND

Jul28

It’s sadly unsurprising that another Black person has fallen once again while in police custody—having suffered unnecessary brutality during a traffic stop. It screams the question: Since when did a routine traffic stop become a high risk assignment for Black women? It’s a question I now have to ponder every time I drive my vehicle. As the tragic death of 28-year-old Sandra Bland is being investigated by state of Texas and played out in the media, I’ve realized that I am Sandra Bland.

I am Black and proud and speak too loudly

At the injustice I see all around me

My skin is darker than a berry, but not too sweetly

Am I acceptable to blind ignorance, you see

Because when the eyes of those who hate rest their gaze

Upon me, my humanness dissipates

into a misty haze and all that is left

Is rage, war, and violence-

against my body’s softness

Their need to destroy the femininity that is me

Because I…am Sandra Bland

My life is seen as an inconvenience to abusers of power

But I’m not popular to those blinded by the rays of my darkness

Shining a beacon upon my guilty countenance

Because justice precedes some but doesn’t proceed for me

Because, I… am Sandra Bland

Passing through this life is a struggle

Over my shoulder I shuffle

Looking into the night for the bright

Swirling lights that can remove me from this life

Driving, shopping, walking, and speaking I am guilty as charged

Black woman… at large

Red incites a bull to rage

But on this stage

Black puts us in a cage

Or a coffin

But I’m not balking because I’m free

And as long as I breathe

I will continue to be

Because Sandra Bland is me

Therefore boldly I’ll proclaim

to say her name

From every mountain top

And I will not stop

The thunderous roar

Until injustice is no more

In this land, we will continue to stand

Because I am… Sandra Bland

Baltimore – Another Tinderbox of Destruction

Apr29

Admittedly, I haven’t kept abreast of the news in the past 2 weeks so I was shocked when someone told me to turn the TV on and watch the riots in Baltimore. 25-year-old Freddie Gray died from injuries he suffered while under police custody and some of the protests morphed into riots. So once again we have a case of a young black male detained, brutalized, and murdered by police officers. We have another situation in which protests are necessary to demand justice in a system that holds no value to the human lives of black people. Our anger is valid and completely justified. It’s a deeply rooted anger that owes no apologies and demands justice.

Yet, instead of protesting and bringing attention to the atrocities, there are some who have chosen to lash out in anger and burn down or loot businesses that serve their neighborhoods. It sounds very revolutionary, militant, and reminiscent of the days of Angela Davis and Huey Newton but the reality is that violence only begets more of the same. It doesn’t effect change.

The anger that has bubbled over in Baltimore and all over America is not about Freddie Gray. It’s about a system of racism that has infested the very heart of the black community. The police have no respect for blacks but the problem isn’t them. The problem is at the top. The officials who continue to cover up and protect rogue cops. The commissioners, district attorneys, mayors, and others who refuse to do the job they were elected to do- serve and PROTECT their constituents. The problem is us– the ones who continue to vote blindly (and that includes along party and racial lines) to keep these people in office. Why should they care? What message have we the people clearly given them at the polls? Why work harder and with integrity when they know that they will either run unopposed in the next election or voters will punch “Democratic” or “Republican” regardless of their level of service?

Instead of educating ourselves on how the government works and finding out who to put pressure on, we sit back and wait for Freddie Gray to happen so that we can jump on our laurels and protest on Facebook and other social media. We want heads to literally roll and would rather burn down viable and needed businesses in our own backyards than to figure out how we can individually and collectively make a difference.

Of course CVS is insured and will build again. But will they rebuild in the area where they suffered the loss? Blacks have lived in some of the most disenfranchised areas in this country. I get it- we are the “throw-away” people. Brought here and abandoned after we no longer served our original purpose. Our neighborhoods are full of entire blocks of abandoned or burned out structures, pot-holed streets, liquor stores, and low-valued housing. We step outdoors and see emptiness and despair. So in our minds how will a few more fires take away from what is already a bad situation? I challenge you to ask yourself “how will continuing to destroy it help rebuild it?”

What did burning down a neighborhood CVS pharmacy do to help the community? It removed a convenient location that your 70-year-old neighbor walked to for her medication. That’s what it did. You see, not everyone has a car. The bus stop is not always within walking distance for an elderly or otherwise physical restricted person. Sure, something will eventually take its place but how will that help those who need it now? Will the masked young men who are out there rioting and protesting knock on her door and offer a ride to the next closest pharmacy?

As the mother of a black man who has seen more than his share of unjust interaction with police, I am angry. I want to break something and scream at the top of my voice “enough!!” But that won’t make a difference. What makes a difference is putting pressure where it needs to be:

Protests – non-violent shows of solidarity
Vote responsibly- show them that if they don’t do what they promised, they’re fired
Businesses – support black-owned businesses. Stop supporting Nike and the like
Finances – teach our children to stop “flossing” and become financially responsible
Petitions – Pressure officials to enforce policies and create ones that protect everyone. Force them to create “enforceable” standards, become tougher on hiring, disciplining, and FIRING of officers
Education – Refocus our goals in educating our children in business, politics, and finances early on
Community – BRING THE VILLAGE BACK TO THE COMMUNITY

Yes, I’m angry but how can we be “heard” or taken seriously when we’re burning and looting our own communities? Why does every protest have to be violent and distracting? Sure, it gets attention but who really hears us? It’s easy for us to debate this on Facebook and other social media from the safety of our keyboards. We need to come together and effect REAL CHANGE. The stark reality is that this will die down eventually–just as it did with Trayvon Martin, Rekia Boyd, Michael Brown, and the countless others before and since them.

Another young man is dead—dying a painful and brutal death. Let’s find a way to use that to get him justice. Burning down the city is not the answer. Huey Newton had no room for God while he was running the Panthers but even he finally had to say: “As far as I am concerned, when all of the questions are not answered, when the extraordinary is not explained, when the unknown is not known, then there is room for God because the unexplained and the unknown is God.” Violence is not the answer- Martin Luther King taught us that and he influenced change.

When the dust settles from this riot all that will be left are more abandoned structures and lost businesses – in black neighborhoods—and NO solutions. Angry people fight. Angry thinkers find ways to change it. Let’s find a way to change the tide and stop throwing gasoline on everything.

“Just”- Use it Sparingly

Apr12

I guess that’s why it’s called ‘controversy’- not everyone agrees. The controversy I’m referring to is Willow Smith’s nipple shirt. This isn’t about the “Free the Nipple” movement. I don’t think it’s appropriate attire for a 14-year-old child. Others believe I’m going overboard because it’s just a shirt. I feel, however, that It removes boundaries and sets them up to be victimized. I disagree and the word “just” makes it sound innocent enough. It “just” doesn’t work for kids as well as it does for adults. I’m not saying this leads to bad behavior or that Willow is a bad kid. Willow is a rich, sheltered child who can afford to be expressive. That doesn’t hold true for the average American kid. We live in a society that complains about out-of-control kids and yet we’re afraid to set boundaries. In fact, we continue to remove them in the name of “freedom of expression”. “Just”… There’s just something about that word:

Just a joint, until you get hooked on crack or meth- between ages 16-25 I’ve had guys tell me “do just one line of coke for me”. Just one. Just…
Just sex, until you get pregnant
They’re “just” boys – until the behavior escalates
It’s “just” a conversation (or kiss, or hug) with that married person, until they have that affair
Just one more drink, until you wreck the car
Why not add: Just 4 killed/18 wounded over the weekend in Chicago. As opposed to 82 shot, 14 killed last July
He’s just a child and it’s just a dollar he took. Give him a break, mom/dad. It could be worse.

My son wanted “just” a tattoo, a cell phone, a pager, a TV/VCR in his room, and pierced ears when he was 13. I told him when he turned 18 he could have as many tats as he wanted. He’s 32 and doesn’t have any tattoos (though he did get his ears pierced :-)! His priorities shifted as an adult and he didn’t think about tattoos anymore. I have nothing against those things. I didn’t feel that a black male teen in Chicago had a reason to have tattoos, pagers, and cell phones in the early 90s. And, I was right.

Is it possible that “just” opens the door to something “more”? Is it just a scratch that’ll heal, or one that will fester and require antibiotics? Is it just a scratch in the paint that’ll buff out, or is it one that will cost five hundred dollars to remove? Yes, I’m an “over thinker”. I’m the person who studies heavy traffic ½ mile down the road to determine my next lane change or whether or not I should exit. What seems “innocent” to some can actually be of potential harm to others.

I didn’t raise a girl but I’m 100% sure if I did she wouldn’t possess that particular shirt. There are so many ways to raise a girl and teach her to love her body and to empower her sexuality. At 14, this is not the way to encourage it because let’s face it, it invites the wrong kind of attention. In her mind she’s expressing liberation and freedom (I guess). But that is not what a pedophile will see when they see a child walking down the street wearing that shirt. Grown women are being followed, harassed, and attacked for deflecting unwanted attention. It’s not just a shirt–it’s a slippery slope.

So as far as “just” goes, there are reasonable ones and questionable ones. I feel that Willow’s nipple shirt falls into the latter. Just… In retrospect, maybe I should’ve tried just one line of coke to find out why everyone else was so fascinated. Just one.

I’m “just” saying, this is just my opinion…

The Ripples of Loss…

Mar6

Every life touches a life. That statement could not be truer than now for the people Alexander Villafane touched. He was a Humboldt Park youth football coach and resident of Little Village when he was shot in the head in front of his son just outside his home. Not only did the 39-year-old husband and father leave behind 2 sons and 2 daughters, he also left behind the children he coached and mentored.

For all the lives Mr. Villafane touched, there were many more to come. Children who needed a stable male presence in the most critical stage — ages 10-13– will now be left to navigate life without him. One bullet silenced a man who sacrificed his time and energy to keep kids off the streets and give them something positive and meaningful to look forward to. Just one bullet.

The ripple effect of a life snatched away cuts deep into the heart of our communities. The loss of this man reverberates from Humboldt Park, IL where he grew up and coached the Patriots, to Little Village where he lived, and throughout Chicago. As we wrestle with the senselessness of his death, we have to also discover what it will take to staunch the bloodshed that is to come.

Our communities are only as strong as the people who reside in them. Cameras can be installed and multitudes of police can be deployed but until we decide to stop covering for murderers, these tragedies will only continue to flow. Alexander Villafane is gone. We can only pray that the 10 to 13-year-old boys he left behind will not stray from the love that he instilled in them. We can only pray that whoever knows the person who did this will come forward. Maybe then the ripples of loss will become the waves of change.

**video: Homicide Watch Chicago homicides.suntimes.com

Parole Me Not

Feb18

The probation system is set up to frustrate, discourage, and jam up ex-offenders who truly want to turn their lives around. It is seriously broken and needs to be overhauled. This is unfortunate because it keeps the majority of ex-offenders (who are minorities), in the “system”—preventing them from securing a law-abiding future. This is not news to anyone but, having seen it first hand, it is nothing short of a bureaucratic bubble waiting to explode in the face of anyone determined to untether themselves from it.

My nephew made his expected “call in” to his parole officer (PO) a few days ago. As arranged, the officer was to come over and visit my nephew and ensure that he is doing well and following his parole agreement. Now, my nephew has made his share of mistakes and this was his first incarceration. Effectively ‘scared straight’, he immediately secured a job after release and has continued to work in the direction of stabilizing his life. His PO did not show up for that first meeting but instead, informed my nephew that he was no longer his contact and that someone else had been assigned his case.

After not hearing from the new parole officer, he called the State’s Department of Correction’s parole number. This time, instead of reaching the automated menu (the standard), all he got was a busy signal. After several attempts over a period of hours, we looked on the internet in an attempt to locate a brick and mortar building that we could visit for his check-in.

The purpose of parole is to keep track of men and women released from prison. The State must know where the parolee lives and works. It must ensure that all terms of the agreement are being met and they are staying out of trouble. This is crucial to prevent repeat offenses. This isn’t a one-way street because it also helps the parolee stay on track and focus on creating a better (crime free) existence. It’s a huge burden on the court system, parole board, and other officials to make sure this system runs as expected. When it doesn’t, the parolee runs a risk of “violating” their parole and returning back behind bars.

The other day I watched my nephew dance this precarious tango with the Department of Corrections. We were unable to locate any information on the State’s website that pointed us to an address. In fact, the information that was there was ambiguous at best. After calling Chicago’s 311 line, I was provided an alternative number and I passed it to my nephew. He called and was finally provided an address. Upon arriving there, we found that address was no longer a legitimate location. My nephew eventually remembered another ‘general’ location as a possibility. So not knowing for sure where we were going or if the location, like the one we’d just visited, would be open or not, we took a chance and went anyway. Driving down the street, looking for “official” looking buildings, we finally found a Department of Corrections location.

Once inside, he explained his situation and asked to be connected with his new PO. The employee seemed skeptical that he called the main number (and found it wasn’t operational), but she called his new PO. Unfortunately, she had to call four bad numbers before she finally reached him.

According the 2010 Census, Illinois reported 130,910 adults on probation and 33,162 people on parole. After what I’ve witnessed, I have to question how many revocations and absconders were due to individuals not having the proper information to enable them to check in and be compliant. Given the fact that funding for critical programs such as this is stretched to the limit, it is imperative that a solution to this problem be reached that ensures a smoother transition for parolees. Low cost and small fixes should include at minimum:

The website providing updated information such as addresses for parole locations
Keeping their main number and menus operational at all times
Updating parole officer contact information (4 different numbers is inexcusable)
Keeping in-home check-in appointments with parolees

My nephew was diligent in proactively locating his new Parole Officer. He is working now and maintaining healthy structure and balance in his life—determined not to violate his parole– “Once was enough for me” is his motto. It is my fervent hope that he does not fall through the ambiguous cracks of the State’s parole system.

There’s No Sunshine When She’s Gone

Jan14

Sunshine Skyway sounds like a happy place. The name brings to my mind warm sunlight against cool skin while lying on my back and staring at clouds back-grounded by clear blue skies. If I close my eyes I can envision myself lying in the grass identifying unique and fun shapes in the clouds. But for five-year-old Phoebe Jonchuck, Sunshine Skyway Bridge was a place of horror—making her yet another child victim of a failed system.

Her little body was flung off the bridge located in St. Petersburg, Fl by the one person who should’ve been her protector, 25-year-old John Jonchuck. In the coming days of investigation more details will become known. But one can’t help but wonder why he wasn’t detained after his lawyer(child custody) called and expressed grave concern. According to the lawyer’s 911 recording, Jonchuck told her “Don’t file the paperwork(custody papers),” he told her. “It’s not going to matter anymore.” At that point she tells the 911 operator “He’s out of his mind, and he has a minor child with him driving to the church now,”

Lawyer’s 911 Call

Officers arrived at the church and determining that he posed no threat, let him go. Phoebe was dead several hours later. But the failure didn’t stop there. An officer (though off duty) did not pursue the vehicle as –according to the news clip below– “flew past him at a high rate of speed.” Then while stopped, the father preceded to “go around to the other side of the vehicle” and pull the child out.

Police News Conference

I’m sure the incident moved somewhat faster than it actually sounds here, but given all of the high-profile shootings that have encapsulated the media lately I can’t help but ask what the officer was thinking by his casual response. For all he knew, this guy (already displaying erratic behavior) could’ve been about to pull a weapon out of his back seat. Yet, he had time to exit his vehicle open a door, pick up a child, and throw her over the bridge.

As of January 12, 2015, the Department of Children and Families have made a change to their policy to respond within 4 hours by meeting with the parent who is experiencing an acute mental episode.
It is safe to say that Mr. Jonchuck’s lawyer made the a call that should not have been taken lightly. The fear and concern she had for the child was clear in her voice and at the very least, the mother should have been contacted. Maybe I’m just frustrated that another child has died a senseless and frightening death.

Phoebe Johnchuck’s funeral service is Wednesday (1/14/15) at Lake Magdalene Methodist Church in Tampa Florida. A little girl who loved school, her friends, and bright colors will no longer dream of sunshine, clear blue skies, and fluffy clouds.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Dec31

Trust: Can You Handle Rebuilding It?

Dec26

Trust is a very fragile egg. It takes so much time to nurture and cultivate and just seconds to destroy. And, like an egg, it is not so easily repaired. It will still have cracks and scars as a reminder of its trauma. With time and care, one can slowly add spackle to the cracks. Then, one can began the process of sanding those cracks ever so gently so as to not break the egg again. Eventually the cracks will be smoothed over but the evidence will still be present in the coloring. At this point, if you’re lucky, you’ll finally be allowed to paint the egg back to its former glory. Keep in mind though, the egg, though pristine on the outside, is still fragile on the inside. Break it again and the process begins again only this time there are even more cracks to repair…

Trust is broken for many reasons. The most popular reason is infidelity. But there are others- a recovering addict who has victimized his family has to rebuild trust. A loved one who has stolen has to show that valuables are safe around them. A parent who has not been consistent and loving to their children has to prove they can be reliable and make a child feel safe and loved again. An employee can lose the trust of his colleagues and employer by not doing his job, thereby proving to be unreliable.

The person who breaks a trust is the person who has to fix it. Again, it is not the other person’s responsibility to repair a trust. It takes time, integrity, maturity, and love. What it doesn’t take are words (often empty), anger, denial, and poor expectations. A person can be forgiven but that doesn’t mean they will ever regain the trust they lost. That usually depends on the depth of the betrayal and the forgiver’s capacity to allow you near that fragile egg again –i.e. trust. If you’ve destroyed a trust and are so blessed to be allowed a second chance this is what you need to know.

You broke, you fix it
Be patient, it’s going to take longer to regain than the first time
It’s not for you to determine how long. It’ll take however long it takes
You’ll have to prove your integrity time and time again
Rebuilding trust is not for the faint hearted. You’re either all in or all out
As your forgiver gives you an inch, nurture it as though your life depends on it
Don’t give up, you may be closer to regaining trust than you think

Make no mistake there is a lot of work involved on the part of the person who broke it. Success depends on what that person feels he/she lost when they broke the trust in the first place. Was the person loyal and loving to you? Did they bend over backwards to help you when you needed them? Were you able to acknowledge any sacrifices they made for you? If they answer is yes to any of those questions, then chances are, you destroyed the trust of someone who was valuable to you. That will tell you, the person who broke the egg, how willing you are to take the time to fix it.

We Just Don’t Get It

Dec16

A story recently broke in Houston as police were called to the Willowbrook mall to ward off a potential riot. There was also a report of 4 arrested in New York for fighting in a crowd. This chaos wasn’t created because of a protest in the name of justice. Windows on the mall weren’t broken due to angry looters. No, these events occurred because of a shoe: The Air Jordan 11 Retro “Legend Blue”, to be exact.

Today, as Demario Bailey’s twin brother, Demarcio, celebrates his 16th birthday without his brother and, as the family struggles to pay for his funeral, I can’t help but wonder what’s wrong with the Black Community’s priorities?

Barely three weeks ago, riots and protests surged following the Grand Jury’s decision not to indict Officer Darren Wilson- accused of shooting unarmed Michael Brown in Ferguson, MO. As the Black Community reeled with disappointment and anger many people began to seek ways create to solidarity and get justice. Then about a week later, in early December, NYPD officer Daniel Pantaleo was not indicted on the chokehold death of Eric Holder.

As anger spilled into streets all over the country, a movement to keep black dollars in the community began. There was the ‘Boycott Black Friday’ Movement, which, wasn’t very successful. There were posts on Facebook from black businesses asking for support of their products. There was even a call to not purchase on Cyber Monday. Today, seeing the news clip of the hordes of black people lined up to receive a purchase voucher to buy the $200.00 shoes made me angry. Once again, we just don’t get it.

First, let’s talk about the fact that for years- dating back to the late 80s, people have been dying after being robbed of Air Jordans. When Nike releases a ‘specialty’ shoe (as they did last year as well), people become violent in crowded lines just to purchase them. Now, in December 2014 we are still stepping over each other to purchase a $200.00 tennis shoe.

Second, let’s talk about money. According to the Neilson Company, Black spending power is expected to reach 1.1 trillion dollars in 2015. The lifespan of a dollar in the Black community is 6 hours compared to 20 days for Jews, a month for Asians, and 17 days for whites. How can we have that much buying power and have no wealth?

It’s very surreal to be reeling from yet another senseless death of a child – this one a robbery victim, witness weeks of “Justice for Mike Brown” and “I Can’t Breathe”, to witnessing this spectacle of materialistic spending – and the violence that it created. We have to get our priorities straight. Michael Jordan has more money than he will ever spend in his lifetime and Nike (and other companies) is going to use him (and other ‘celebrities’) to milk the Black Community until we wake up and stop trying to outspend each other.

Instead of standing for hours pushing and shoving each other, we need to focus on the real problems in our community. I’m sure Demarcio Bailey would appreciate the effort.