Tag Archive | Blog

Trust: Can You Handle Rebuilding It?

Trust is a very fragile egg. It takes so much time to nurture and cultivate and just seconds to destroy. And, like an egg, it is not so easily repaired. It will still have cracks and scars as a reminder of its trauma. With time and care, one can slowly add spackle to the cracks. Then, one can began the process of sanding those cracks ever so gently so as to not break the egg again. Eventually the cracks will be smoothed over but the evidence will still be present in the coloring. At this point, if you’re lucky, you’ll finally be allowed to paint the egg back to its former glory. Keep in mind though, the egg, though pristine on the outside, is still fragile on the inside. Break it again and the process begins again only this time there are even more cracks to repair…

Trust is broken for many reasons. The most popular reason is infidelity. But there are others- a recovering addict who has victimized his family has to rebuild trust. A loved one who has stolen has to show that valuables are safe around them. A parent who has not been consistent and loving to their children has to prove they can be reliable and make a child feel safe and loved again. An employee can lose the trust of his colleagues and employer by not doing his job, thereby proving to be unreliable.

The person who breaks a trust is the person who has to fix it. Again, it is not the other person’s responsibility to repair a trust. It takes time, integrity, maturity, and love. What it doesn’t take are words (often empty), anger, denial, and poor expectations. A person can be forgiven but that doesn’t mean they will ever regain the trust they lost. That usually depends on the depth of the betrayal and the forgiver’s capacity to allow you near that fragile egg again –i.e. trust. If you’ve destroyed a trust and are so blessed to be allowed a second chance this is what you need to know.

You broke, you fix it
Be patient, it’s going to take longer to regain than the first time
It’s not for you to determine how long. It’ll take however long it takes
You’ll have to prove your integrity time and time again
Rebuilding trust is not for the faint hearted. You’re either all in or all out
As your forgiver gives you an inch, nurture it as though your life depends on it
Don’t give up, you may be closer to regaining trust than you think

Make no mistake there is a lot of work involved on the part of the person who broke it. Success depends on what that person feels he/she lost when they broke the trust in the first place. Was the person loyal and loving to you? Did they bend over backwards to help you when you needed them? Were you able to acknowledge any sacrifices they made for you? If they answer is yes to any of those questions, then chances are, you destroyed the trust of someone who was valuable to you. That will tell you, the person who broke the egg, how willing you are to take the time to fix it.

We Just Don’t Get It

Dec16

A story recently broke in Houston as police were called to the Willowbrook mall to ward off a potential riot. There was also a report of 4 arrested in New York for fighting in a crowd. This chaos wasn’t created because of a protest in the name of justice. Windows on the mall weren’t broken due to angry looters. No, these events occurred because of a shoe: The Air Jordan 11 Retro “Legend Blue”, to be exact.

Today, as Demario Bailey’s twin brother, Demarcio, celebrates his 16th birthday without his brother and, as the family struggles to pay for his funeral, I can’t help but wonder what’s wrong with the Black Community’s priorities?

Barely three weeks ago, riots and protests surged following the Grand Jury’s decision not to indict Officer Darren Wilson- accused of shooting unarmed Michael Brown in Ferguson, MO. As the Black Community reeled with disappointment and anger many people began to seek ways create to solidarity and get justice. Then about a week later, in early December, NYPD officer Daniel Pantaleo was not indicted on the chokehold death of Eric Holder.

As anger spilled into streets all over the country, a movement to keep black dollars in the community began. There was the ‘Boycott Black Friday’ Movement, which, wasn’t very successful. There were posts on Facebook from black businesses asking for support of their products. There was even a call to not purchase on Cyber Monday. Today, seeing the news clip of the hordes of black people lined up to receive a purchase voucher to buy the $200.00 shoes made me angry. Once again, we just don’t get it.

First, let’s talk about the fact that for years- dating back to the late 80s, people have been dying after being robbed of Air Jordans. When Nike releases a ‘specialty’ shoe (as they did last year as well), people become violent in crowded lines just to purchase them. Now, in December 2014 we are still stepping over each other to purchase a $200.00 tennis shoe.

Second, let’s talk about money. According to the Neilson Company, Black spending power is expected to reach 1.1 trillion dollars in 2015. The lifespan of a dollar in the Black community is 6 hours compared to 20 days for Jews, a month for Asians, and 17 days for whites. How can we have that much buying power and have no wealth?

It’s very surreal to be reeling from yet another senseless death of a child – this one a robbery victim, witness weeks of “Justice for Mike Brown” and “I Can’t Breathe”, to witnessing this spectacle of materialistic spending – and the violence that it created. We have to get our priorities straight. Michael Jordan has more money than he will ever spend in his lifetime and Nike (and other companies) is going to use him (and other ‘celebrities’) to milk the Black Community until we wake up and stop trying to outspend each other.

Instead of standing for hours pushing and shoving each other, we need to focus on the real problems in our community. I’m sure Demarcio Bailey would appreciate the effort.

Public Shaming and Punishment of a Child

Dec11

There seems to be a new way of punishing children publicly that is deeply disturbing to me. It’s called Public Humiliation or Public Shaming and it goes beyond having a child stand on a street corner holding a sign that describes their transgression. Children are being filmed getting their hair chopped off, being “spanked” for “acting grown”… the list is endless. When children act out, I agree that there needs to be punishment and consequences for the action. However, I believe that publicly shaming a child is humiliating and sets them up to be bullied; it creates a digital footprint which can come up later in adulthood- therefore violating their privacy; and it’s self-serving on behalf of the parents who seem to have something to prove.

Parents have the right to raise and discipline their child however they see fit. That being said, even with the best intentions in mind, posting the punishment on Facebook and YouTube only serves to deepen their embarrassment. Although it may deter the child from repeating the action they committed, they now have to deal with being teased and worse bullied at school. This damages the child’s already fragile self-esteem and awkwardness. Sure, the lesson was learned, but at what cost? Public punishment

The ripple effect of these videos will be felt beyond their childhood. EVERYTHING that is posted on the web STAYS ON THE WEB—forever. Once it goes ‘viral’ after your friends and family share it, it’s out of your child’s hands. What you thought was a punishment is now a life sentence to remind them over and over again what a bad child they were (or are). My parents had seven children and we got our behinds spanked often enough. My siblings and I sit around and tell our kids some of the most outrageous things we did and described those spankings. The best thing about that is we can share them privately, laugh, and teach a lesson at the same time. Children who are ‘virally’ punished do not have that option. Their professors and employers may stumble across those videos one day and thereby strip away the professional demeanor that kid(now grown) cultivated through hard work. Their privacy is gone and now their colleagues will look at them differently.

I admit that I used to think that it was creative and innovative to have a child holding a sign as punishment but now, I’m not so sure if that or any form of public punishment is a good idea. So, the child did a bad thing and they need to be punished. WHY DOES THE WORLD NEED TO SEE IT? I’m not convinced that there’s a pure motive here. The child is humiliated, it’s posted on social media and all of a sudden, the likes, shares, and comments explode through the WebSphere. The parent gets the kudos—the “atta boys”—for being a great progressive parent and they swell with pride. They’ve showed their child who is boss and now the world knows that he/she is the best parent ever because he/she “don’t take no mess.” Mom or Dad gets to show complete irrelevant strangers that they don’t care what anyone thinks because THIS is how they “handle my parental business.” It’s a bit of an oxymoron because they posted it, therefore they actually do care what others think. They’re just hoping that the ‘likes’ and comments ‘for’ will outweigh the naysayers. That makes it a selfish form of child abuse.

It is far better to drill into children how the Internet works. Just as important as ABC’s, today’s children (and parents) must also learn that anything posted on the web will follow them for the rest of their lives. It doesn’t matter if it’s been deleted from your social network accounts. Once it’s out there and someone else copies and shares it, there is no taking it back. Children have a right to privacy and an embarrassment-free future. Their punishment should not be a degrading life sentence.

Reference – common YouTube searches of extreme punishment:
“Mom catches daughter having sex, beats her…”
“Father whoops on daughter dressed like Beyoncé …”
“Mother Jacks Her Son’s Hair Up For Acting Bad In School!”

Question: Is this a healthy way to raise a child? Why or why not?

No One Spoke for Scotty

Nov10

Scotty McMillan Death: 3-Year-Old Dies After Being Tortured For Refusing To Eat Breakfast

A 3-year-old child should be learning his colors and ABC’s, riding a tricycle, and watching cartoons. He should be full of giggles, kisses, and laughter while playing with his brother and mother. He should be sleeping in a warm and safe bed tonight.

Instead, he was cruelly and unmercifully tortured and murdered by the very person who should’ve felt compelled to kill protecting him–his mother. Three-year-old Scotty McMillan died because he was failed by his community. He and his older brother, Ryan, were abused over a 2 week period during which Ryan was not in school. According to the Coatesville Area School District in Coatesville, PA, no one detected any signs that 6-year-old Ryan was being abused. I can’t imagine how he and consequently, his little brother, fell through the cracks.

What’s frustrating in this case is that a third person was also in the home during this horrific murder and because she didn’t feel compelled to help the child, she was also arrested. This woman watched as the child’s mother and her boyfriend kicked, punched, and scourged him. She listened to his little head being banged against the wall as he hung from his feet. She listened to bones breaking. And. She. Did. Nothing. This child (a baby, really) died screaming and crying for his life and NO one heard him– not even the neighbors.

How did we come to live in a society in which everything goes and nothing is questioned or challenged? When will we become bold and brave enough to say “what are you doing?” When do we put an end to co-signing behaviors that are simply wrong?

It’s too late for Scotty. His small broken body now joins those who have died senselessly before him. Oh, and his ‘crime’? Refusal to eat his breakfast.

Read the story HERE.

Modern Day Orphans

Nov5

There’s an unfortunate segment of parenting which creates what I call orphans. The definition of orphan: a child who has lost either parents through death, or, less commonly, one parent. For the sake of this article, I speak of orphans created because both parents are alive and ABSCENT from their children’s lives on a daily basis. When I say “absent parenting” it means either the parent (mother and/or father) are either with the child on a daily basis but is not providing guidance and structure, or the child is living with relatives and neither parent is physically present on a daily basis to provide guidance and structure.

I personally know of at least 2 separate instances of this strange phenomenon in which both parents are not physically with their children. In both cases the fathers are already not involved on a daily basis with the children because they have relationships and families; the mothers have left their children in the care of relatives and are living in another location—or out of state for weeks and months at a time. Sometimes the siblings are living in separate homes as they wait for a parent to come back for them. This is extremely detrimental to our communities.

A child needs attention, nurturing, and guidance every day from at least one consistent parent. When both parents are gone through choices of their own, the child is left with painful unanswered questions. One of which is “why doesn’t mom/dad want me?” Now, some will say that the parents are away so they can find jobs and send for their children and that would be a reasonable response. The problem with that is often even when one or both parents are physically present they fall into the other category of being ‘at home’ with the child but still not providing much needed guidance and structure. Either way, it’s a lose-lose situation for the child.

They don’t provide the child with consistent rules: be home by 4, homework before play, chores, or bed time. Children aren’t being taught values such as honesty, hard work, and respect. The result is a hurt, angry, and broken child who eventually becomes rebellious to the point of self-destruction which will eventually spill into the community.

Our children are the most precious commodity we can ever produce. They don’t come with instructions, but with the wealth of information available at our fingertips today on the internet, parents today can do better. Here are some common sense tips:

Don’t be selfish. Your life is no longer your—it’s the child’s.
Teach them their colors and ABC’s while they are still in diapers. They will be better prepared for school.
Hang up the party shoes. If you had a child in your teens (like I did), it’s a real bummer but again- it’s not about you It took me a whole year to learn that one and unfortunately, there’re adults who still haven’t.
Give them guidance. Teach them respect. Nail that and the rest will come easier
Give them structure. Bed time—as in a time they need to be in bed (with stories), curfews, and discipline (not abuse!!)
If you are the NON-custodial parent and distance is a problem, SPEAK TO YOUR CHILD DAILY. Even if it’s to say “good morning” and “good night, I love you”. Stay connected.
Don’t abandon them! They need to see and be with you EVERY DAY. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that your extremely bright and gifted child is “mature” and “knows better”. He/she needs you.

You may not realize it but when you leave your children for days and weeks at a time, you are neglecting their growth and development. You’ve orphaned them. And that is truly selfish.

On The Issue of Race…

Oct21

This will probably not be the last time I post this particular blog because I believe it’s that important. I know that eventually there will be misconceptions about many of the stories, new clips, etc. that I post so I wanted to provide clarity for my readers:

The goal is to not sweep the victims under a rug as just another news story. People are dying for no reason. They mattered because it could you or me tomorrow.
The goal is to make us think about our individual roles in how we can make a difference to stop the violence as it pertains to our own close-knit circles and, what we can do to help change the tide. Let’s stop ignoring the signs we DO see.
The goal is to put a spot light on law enforcement’s unnecessary violence and killing of our Black men– in terms of racial profiling.
The goal is to stop denying that racism exists and acknowledge the “elephant in the room” that unfortunately, our white friends sometimes won’t admit.

That being said, this blog will NOT be a tool to tear down Blacks and paint Whites as racist. Racism exists in this country and will probably be around beyond my lifetime. I am a Black woman who cares about the plight of my people and who is tired of seeing anyone being brutalized and murdered. I am a Black woman who has loving relationships with white friends. I am a Black woman who spent 10 years of my life with—and married to—a White man. I am a Black woman who has a Black son who has been the victim of police brutality and harassment, has been shot at, and actually shot by a child who didn’t know why he did it! I am a woman who is Black. I am a woman who has experienced violence first hand and this blog is to say enough is enough. My logo is black, white, and red for a reason. Why? It’s because we look different on the outside but the same red color courses through our veins.

The Civil rights act didn’t become successful until ALL people—regardless of color—stood up and said enough is enough. This blog asks the question: is that you?

Babies In the Battlefield

Oct18

Babies on the Battlefield

A war is ablaze within our midst destroying all that we hold dear

Bullets are flying everywhere, leaving imminent death and tears

Little casualties are unaware that they are caught in the quagmire

They have no captain to lead them and no guns with which to return fire

The casualties of this war are many – there are no bullet-proof shields

There is a clear and present danger for our babies on the battlefield

Not fully grown and yet their lives are diminished much too soon

Because of cowards who hide behind guns – full of anger all consuming

To them life has no meaning – they just aim and pull the trigger

When they miss their target, an innocent life goes out with a final flicker

Their assassins’ hearts are cold—with souls devoid of the capacity to feel

And then we are left with the lifeless bodies of our babies on the battlefield

After all, selling dope and making money is the most important thing

Shootouts to guard posse and turf outweighs the decimation they bring

They build empires off the flesh and blood of our dying communities

Then spend all the money and die without leaving an enduring legacy

The pain they cause just to prove affiliation to a group of spineless cowards

So weak minded they lack the mettle to fight without guns and crowds

Our children pay the ultimate price – they did not chose this life

But for gangs, drugs, and money, they get to pay the ultimate price

Our brave soldiers are sent overseas to fight for other lands’ rights to be free

But here at home the war intensifies and cowards are claiming our babies

Terrorism runs rampant and no one seems to be doing anything

People continue to die as dope lords become their puppet kings

Multimillion-dollar prisons are erected to fight the ‘war on drugs’

Instead of using it for education and preventing kids from becoming thugs

Who, then breed more generations of children who kill to achieve ‘juice’ status

As they slaughter each other on barren fields warring against enemy factions

Communities are held hostage because no one wants to be labeled a squealer

But they blame law enforcement because they can’t catch the killers and dealers

The tragedy of individual apathy is the reason our children are dying daily

Slamming doors to law enforcement only allows crime to thrive and prevail

The rate at which our babies perish is painfully surreal

Our own black men are killing babies on the battlefield

This plight will end when we stop pretending the solution is not in our hands

So stand up tall and make the call that will heal our bleeding lands

Communities will become strong, violence ends, and we can begin to heal

And no longer will our babies perish on the battlefield

Who Will Speak

Oct17

Who will speak?
Who will speak for the tears that fall without a voice–
Grieving laughter, and kisses—without heartbeats or choices?
Who will speak when anguish walks among the broken shards of yesterday–
Leaving seed that death cultivated by bullet or, one whose lodestar has violently faded?
Who will speak for Jasmine Curry, Marcel Pearson, Bruce Wright, William Allen, Tonya Gunn, Joey Henderson, Jaynisha Scheffer, Cassius White?

Who speaks now?
Who speaks now when blood indiscriminately hews burrows into the soul of the city?
The silence is a sonic boom reverberating through the pain of the fallen
For their lives were just yesterday’s news—chains broken forever rippling throughout mankind
Who speaks now?
Who will speak for Robert Cotton, Anthony Hobson, Kezon Lamb, Donald Ray, Schiquille Slater, Joel Bentley, Deandre Brown, Shaquille Ross, Corey Hudson, Shambreyh Barfield?
Hugs that will never again be felt, a helping hand that will never be shared, and a calling never to be fulfilled
Every life touches a life
Links shattered in life’s chain and their absence will never be replaced

Who will speak?
Who will speak for the nameless and faceless ones whose names escape us when the channel turns?
Who. Will. Speak for Dakari Pargo, Jimero Starling, Lafayette Walton, Michael Patton, Ronnie Amos, Alfred Barnett, Tony Ervin, Albert Glover, Eddie Jones, Sonny Ortiz, Sharon Bonds, Andre Knight?
Who will speak for them as we fluff our pillow and be thankful it wasn’t our mother, father, son, or daughter?

Who will speak for Ovadiyah Chandler, Christopher Jones, Stanley Levy, Dekarlos Scott, Taurus Williams, Demarcus Boswell, Daniel Jones, Maurice Wooden, Brandon Peterson, Louis Winn, Dewey Knox, Damian Williams, Brett Ewing, Paris Brown, LaQuisha Hickman, Nykole Loving, Kennyone Pendelton ?
Who will speak?
As the wind braces for impact as bullets rape its peace—unable to shield the lung, the artery, or the brain from penetration?
Who speaks in order to quell the anger and savagery as it claims that which is more precious than diamonds?
Who will speak for, Brian Weekly, Carnesha Fort, Alante Vallejo, Derrick Bowens, Ronald Holliman, Darrien Jordan, David M. Hernandez, Denero Appleton, Eric Kall, DeAngelo Russell, Donald Williams, Nicholas Keener, McArthur Swindle?

Who will speak?
Who will speak with action that rails against the lies that say wrong place- wrong time?
Place being where they are at a moment. Wrong place their home? Wrong place their school? Wrong place the playground? Oh no, maybe it’s the walk to the store, or sitting in a car?
Yes, wrong place is any place…
Whose wrong place? Charles D. Short’s? Betty Howard’s? Craig Mitchell’s? Malcolm Stuckey’s? Paul Pyron’s? Vincent Simmons’? Lance Stanton’s? Monte Tillman’s? Arron Feazell’s? Dashawn Johnson’s? Corteze Reed’s?

Or Time defined as “the system of those sequential relations that any event has to any other, as past, present, or future. Wrong time at noon? Wrong time at 3pm? Wrong time at 11pm? 6am?
Of course, wrong time is any time…
Whose wrong time? Maurice Paschal’s? Kevin Diaz’s? Brian McKinney’s? Robert Waldon’s? Lewis Jenkins’s? Juwan Williams’? Leonard Goldman’s? Kayshaun Hall’s, Ashley Mendoza’s? Kendall Floyd’s? Charles Lee’s? Aaron Rushing’s?
As we contemplate the significance of time and place, faces are passing away. For-e-ver.

Who will speak?
As the footfalls of terror march down our streets?
Or for those whom the blotter calls reciting names as the dead man falls.

As the media portrays us as one to be mistrusted after all, we are but animals in this world.
Some sold drugs, others gang-banged, some raised hell with every breath,
There’s also the straight A students, babies, grandparents— mix them all together—it doesn’t really matter
They – like we—are ALL blood, bone, flesh and spirit. Life interrupted
No longer among us
Who will speak for Gabriel Rios, Victoria McManus, Vaughn Holeman, Cesar Nieves, Xavier Tripp, Summer Moore, William Lomax, Chasteddy Blocker, Jajuan Porter, Gerald Calhoun, William Bailey, Terrance McNeal, Jabari Davis,

Because their loss is our failure as a civilized existence
They die as we exhort “not this neighborhood”; “they deserve it”; “it’s not my problem”
As we turn our backs on a dying generation
Our children run for cover from indiscriminate munitions
That rain down upon them, etching their name as it meets its mark

Who will speak?
Who will speak for the hundreds lost in this city
As we cover our ears from the screams of the crying and dying
Who will speak for them? Rickey Hayes, Antonio Mendez, Jeromy Ellis
After their eyes glass over and consciousness forever cascades to black

The Windy City, Chi-Town- Chiraq is a new moniker spoken with irony and fear
Its violent heart pulsating in tandem with its namesake across the Atlantic
Decimating all in its wake
ChiRaq, ChiRaq, Chiraq
Who will speak?
Who will speak for the tears that fall without a voice–
Grieving laughter, and kisses—without heartbeats or choices?
They matter because we matter.
Who will speak?