Tag Archive | Black community

Deep Hurt In The Mind of a Child

I came across a video the other day of a young girl who wrote a song for her father. Heartbreaking to watch, she spells out the myriad of ways her father has hurt her through his absenteeism. It’s a heartbreaking reminder that we as a community have so much work to do in order to bridge the gap between our children and their indifferent and absent parents (father and mother).

It’s a painful subject to speak about because I once had to answer my then 15-year-old son who asked me “Why don’t my father want me?” I was driving at the time he asked me that question and I gripped the wheel in anger and pain. I explained to him that “I don’t believe that he doesn’t want you. We had you at a young age and he lacked the maturity and knowledge to be the type of father you need. I’m sorry that he’s hurt you by not being here for you.” My son sat quietly, wiped his eyes, and absorbed what I said. He stated that he understood what I said but he also vowed to never bring a child into the world that he was not financially or emotionally able to take care of.

I wanted to cry because no child should ever have to carry that question in their hearts. They shouldn’t have to stand in the window crying on Saturday morning for hours because dad promised to pick him up and is once again a no show. Coming from a two-parent home, I had a hard time dealing with this situation as my son grew up not knowing his father. He grew up remembering the lies and broken promises. Since the age of 13 he has called him “the sperm donor”. What a cringing testimony for a child to have regarding a parent!

There’s a study that states Black fathers surprisingly spend more time with their children than originally believed. In fact, this study states this is the case more than White fathers. That might be the case but try telling that to the child featured in this video, or mine for that matter.

The ax swings both ways. There are mothers out there –whom because they can’t let go of the failed relationship—are determined to keep the father away from the child. They speak negatively about the father to their children and poison their minds against him. Sure it hurts him greatly but it hurts the child more. Their anger is so great that it literally blinds them to reason and common sense.

My anger toward my son’s father knew no bounds. Weeks after the birth of my child he told me “I know you’re going to turn him against me.” I looked in his eyes and told him “I’ll tell you what… I will never speak negatively about you to him—ever. Because I want to make sure that if he ever ends up disliking you, it’ll be because of you.” I am proud to say that I kept that promise. Even as I drove down the I90 Expressway gripping that steering wheel, wanting to go into a foul-mouthed tirade, I kept my promise. I had to because my son’s well-being was always more important than my anger. That’s what moms do—they suck it up and protect their children.

Mother, your child is not a weapon. You cannot sling them in the face of his/her father to inflict pain. Look in the mirror and ask yourself why is it so important for you to hurt this man to the detriment of your own flesh and blood? If he’s not paying child support, take him to court. In the meantime, put him on the back burner and love on your child. Don’t bad mouth him. Half of that man’s DNA is in your kid too. Let it go. We can do better because we have to.

Father, if the mother of your child is keeping you away, you must fight. We live in a technological age. If you have time to spend on social media, you therefore have time to research the laws in your state regarding custody and visitation. You can find lawyers who won’t charge much, will probably do it pro bono, or, you can learn how to be your own Pro Se advocator. Your child must know that you are trying to be in their lives. Short of being six feet under, there are no excuses for not being there—none. They have to know that when they are with you, you are not spending time with your friends or your new lady. You have to be present. Your child is hurting and misses you. Your child is tortured with pain and rejection. Don’t believe me? Listen to this little girl because I guarantee you, that’s what is going on in the mind of your child.

Please share this (and anyone else’s similar) story because we’ve got to tell indifferent parents that it’s time to stop being selfish.

We Just Don’t Get It

Dec16

A story recently broke in Houston as police were called to the Willowbrook mall to ward off a potential riot. There was also a report of 4 arrested in New York for fighting in a crowd. This chaos wasn’t created because of a protest in the name of justice. Windows on the mall weren’t broken due to angry looters. No, these events occurred because of a shoe: The Air Jordan 11 Retro “Legend Blue”, to be exact.

Today, as Demario Bailey’s twin brother, Demarcio, celebrates his 16th birthday without his brother and, as the family struggles to pay for his funeral, I can’t help but wonder what’s wrong with the Black Community’s priorities?

Barely three weeks ago, riots and protests surged following the Grand Jury’s decision not to indict Officer Darren Wilson- accused of shooting unarmed Michael Brown in Ferguson, MO. As the Black Community reeled with disappointment and anger many people began to seek ways create to solidarity and get justice. Then about a week later, in early December, NYPD officer Daniel Pantaleo was not indicted on the chokehold death of Eric Holder.

As anger spilled into streets all over the country, a movement to keep black dollars in the community began. There was the ‘Boycott Black Friday’ Movement, which, wasn’t very successful. There were posts on Facebook from black businesses asking for support of their products. There was even a call to not purchase on Cyber Monday. Today, seeing the news clip of the hordes of black people lined up to receive a purchase voucher to buy the $200.00 shoes made me angry. Once again, we just don’t get it.

First, let’s talk about the fact that for years- dating back to the late 80s, people have been dying after being robbed of Air Jordans. When Nike releases a ‘specialty’ shoe (as they did last year as well), people become violent in crowded lines just to purchase them. Now, in December 2014 we are still stepping over each other to purchase a $200.00 tennis shoe.

Second, let’s talk about money. According to the Neilson Company, Black spending power is expected to reach 1.1 trillion dollars in 2015. The lifespan of a dollar in the Black community is 6 hours compared to 20 days for Jews, a month for Asians, and 17 days for whites. How can we have that much buying power and have no wealth?

It’s very surreal to be reeling from yet another senseless death of a child – this one a robbery victim, witness weeks of “Justice for Mike Brown” and “I Can’t Breathe”, to witnessing this spectacle of materialistic spending – and the violence that it created. We have to get our priorities straight. Michael Jordan has more money than he will ever spend in his lifetime and Nike (and other companies) is going to use him (and other ‘celebrities’) to milk the Black Community until we wake up and stop trying to outspend each other.

Instead of standing for hours pushing and shoving each other, we need to focus on the real problems in our community. I’m sure Demarcio Bailey would appreciate the effort.

Poem: We Are Not Going Anywhere

Nov26

It saddens me that another yet another high-profile racial storm is brewing in the United States. This one’s in Ferguson, MO. over the death of Michael Brown at the hands of police officer Darren Wilson. While I would love to say that racism doesn’t exist, I can’t because I’ve experienced it blatantly and have seen others deal with it first-hand. While traveling, I’ve experienced someone leave a restaurant, just white patrons present, after we sat down (he literally left his meal on the table). I’ve had someone “pinch” money from my hand and then place the change on the counter. The list is unfortunately long enough. This poem describes some of those experiences as well as the frustration of being Black in America.

Black, Hispanic, Caucasian, and Asian
We are all members of the Human Race
America has so many colors and hues
And yet equality for all remains an issue
“They” will not admit that Blacks still have it bad
Because nothing has changed since we were brought to this land
We were chained, shackled, and treated like animals
Stripped of our dignity, we fought for our survival

Now we are “free” men and most still cannot accept it
After 130 plus years “they” think we just got off the ship
We have come too far now and enough is enough
We are flesh and blood, we breathe and we love
This country was built on our blood and tears
Gone are the days of shackles and fear
We had to fight for our rights in the midst of despair
Now we stand strong to declare: We are not going anywhere

Still we are hated for the color of our skin
So united we must stand and fight to the end
Our forefathers were brought here against their will
To be treated like animals and used for their skills
When they tried to run they were brought back and whipped
They were traded and sold like cattle to the highest bidder
Our men were beaten like dogs and DEmasculinized
And our women were lusted after and raped until they died
Yet to this very day “they” cannot see
We are all “family” – born of the same seed

They hate us because they envy the power of our minds
So they keep us in poverty pinching pennies and dimes
Schools are so bad they wouldn’t send their dogs to them
They pumped drugs into our communities to create a culture of hoodlums
But guess what? Some of us still slipped through the cracks
To fight against oppression and take our land back
So there is something we need to make very clear
We are here to stay—we are not going anywhere

Our skin is Black and our pride is fierce
And our spirit is stronger than their hate can pierce
They think we are monkeys falling out of trees?
We are the original race and they are our seed
As long as they hate us we will continue to fight
And as long as they fear us we will remain united
We remember our people came over here on ships
They rotted in those vessels –dying in feces and vomit
Our people built their homes and sweated on fields of sugar cane
We picked their cotton and nursed their babies

We fought in their wars to gain the constitution
And died for a country they stole from Native Indians
Now after 300 years they expect us to go back
We will not leave and they can accept that as fact
It they think we will revert back to living in chains
They had better get sober and think again
In grand ole’ America we have too much invested
Hate us if they must but they still owe us a check

We will not settle for ten acres and a mule
And their hatred just gives our determination more fuel
Because the debt America owes us they can never repay
So they treat us like dirt and try to wish us away
Now the problem is theirs and they must get over it
If they did not want Blacks here they should not have put us on the ship
We want our fair and equal chance to retain wealth
And we will not be ignored or stored on a shelf

Their fear and resentment will never kill our tenacity
Because just like them we have the right to remain free
So they can leave the restaurant if the cannot eat around us
And clutch their bags when our Brothers get on the bus
And sit our change on the counter because they cannot touch our hands
And stare at us as though we do not belong in this land
Just let them know this message is very loud
We are Black, Beautiful, Mighty, and Proud
We cannot—and will not go back to “yesteryear”
So get used to it because we are not going anywhere

The Love of a Black Man

Nov25

PDF LINK: The Love of a Black Man

Because you are loved. Keep your heads up!

The love of a black man is like no other
Because in him there is an essence of
The unknown and power unseen
His hands are like an iron mitt with just enough soft
To melt us like snow
His lips are full and strong
And taste like a promise unfulfilled
In his love is character of true
True to the knowledge of who he is
True to the passage of roads he’s seen
True to the fulfillment of his dreams
Because, you see
When he looks at you, he sees his destiny
The love of a black man is limitless
When he knows of himself
It reeks of a feral masculine scent
That is but a touch away
A glance away
Oh but when he looks at you what does he see?
His ability to be himself?
When the day is done and the mask is off
Can he be not the man the everyone else sees but …
Who you see?
And, when troubles rain down
Like an endless torrent of woe
When he begins to question his worth
It the money right
Is his status tight?
And there’s not enough time to catch a breath
Can he cry in arms of understanding?
Or be judged a punk or a loser
As time immoral has judged him so
In your eyes will he see a mirror of himself?
Oh but the love of a black man is fleeting and yet so real
It reeks of a long day’s work
And brandy
And calloused hands that caress so sweet
And heat that envelopes a dream
His love is long and strong and hard and … oh!
Did you feel that?
Was it the way he kissed or licked or gripped?
Was it the way he looked into your eyes when he
Oh! Discovered that he was home
The love of a black man is fragile
Like dropping a rock on a deck of cards
It is not self-sustaining
It is the rarest of all finds
And requires strength to hold
Because his back is strong
It holds the cares of his love and…
Needs to strength of
Softness to remind him
That he loves not in vain
And to encourage him that
The whips and chains of his
Own struggles
Cannot taint his heart
And, if all is good you will take flight
In his world that knows true
Because the love of a black man
Is you

Bill Cosby: Villain or Victim? A Different Point of View

Nov22

There’s a resurgence of rape allegations against Dr. Bill Cosby—complete with a new ever-growing cast of victims. As the Black community builds a cocoon of support around him, there’s a disturbing backlash against his accusers—who happen to be white women. Rape (and other forms of sexual assault) is a seriously under-reported crime in the United States. Because of that, our response to these accusations must proceed with great caution and attempts to make this a racial issue should be restrained—at least for now.

Bill Cosby is not new to allegations of sexual assault. Andrea Constand –the only woman to file formal charges—came forward in 2005 alleging a 2004 sexual assault. In support of Ms. Constand, Barbara Bowman and 13 anonymous others came forward in 2005 with reports that they too, were assaulted by the actor/comedian/author/producer/activist. Although the DA did not have enough evidence to charge him in a criminal case, Bill Cosby settled out of court with her in 2006.

It’s extremely distressing (especially in the Black community) to think that our beloved “America’s Dad” could be capable of such repeated heinous acts. As a man who has accomplished a lifetime of accolades and who has been a beacon for Blacks both on screen and off, it’s hard for us to wrap our heads around these accusations. But as a responsible societal member, we must not be quick to vilify the women who’ve come forward.

I watched Don Lemon interview one of Cosby’s accuser’s, Joan Tarshis, on CNN (via YouTube) the other day. When asked why she did not come forward after the alleged assaults, she said: “Who’s going to believe me? Bill Cosby, the All American Dad, the All American Husband, Mr. Jell-O that everybody loves…who would believe me?” One YouTube commentator correctly noted that he didn’t do the Jell-O ads until 1974 and the Cosby show even later than that—in 1984. But this isn’t a chronological memory. This is an all-encompassing image of Bill Cosby that perhaps she, over the course of many years, struggled with while dealing with what allegedly happened to her. Put into perspective, there was a six-year passage of time between the supposed assault and his first Jell-O commercial. During this period, “Hey, Hey, Hey…It’s Fat Albert” ran as a primetime special (in 1969, the year of the alleged assault) and, later in 1972, “Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids” was becoming one of the best cartoons of the 70s. Cosby’s star was continually on the rise. One can’t help but wonder how many times over that 6-year period she wanted to say something to her own mother– who was crazy about this man. Sexual assault is not a cut and dry crime. Nor is the way victims respond to it.

According to the Rape Abuse Incest National Network (RAINN), 60% of all rapes are NOT reported. Even more distressing 97% of abusers never see the inside of a prison. Deep shame and embarrassment are among reasons victims do not come forward. Some are so traumatized they bury the assault for years until something triggers flashbacks. Others, as in the case of Dr. Cosby’s accusers, are victims of people in power (whether perceived or real). It is not uncommon for people to come forward 10, 20, or 30 years after an assault.

It’s an insult and a disservice to victims everywhere when we insult and bully them in the media or any forum. There may very well be recent victims who are now terrified to come forward. Fifteen plus women alleging sexual assault can no longer be ignored. This is an unfortunate “lose-lose” situation for all involved and has already become a hot Black/White issue on social media.

He’s not the only TV dad to disappoint us. Actor Stephen Collins of 7th Heaven confessed to being a child molester to his wife—who recorded and released the confession to the media. Collins, a white, actor is also being destroyed in the media (rightly so since he verbally confessed!). Now some will say that there’s a clear difference between the two however, sexual abuse is still a forceful criminal act—both disgusting and disturbing. Collins admitted his crime verbally whereas Cosby could very well have admitted it by settling out of court with Ms. Constand.

Sexual predators have a type. For Collins it’s children. Perhaps for Cosby, it’s young and impressionable white women. Money is power and money talks and let’s face it, Bill Cosby has plenty of both. Remember the accusations lobbied against priests in the Catholic churches? Grown men in their 30s and 40s were among those who came forward to speak out about their sexual abusers. Their allegations were also well beyond the legal statutes of limitations. Are their claims less valid because they didn’t come forward immediately?

There are facts that cannot be disputed at this point. He paid Shawn Upshaw $100,000 to keep her quiet about an affair they had in the 70s. He settled a sexual abuse lawsuit with Andrea Constand. It begs the question “How many silences has he bought to protect his image?” Everyone has secrets and this man is no exception.

Is this a modern-day ‘lynching’ of Bill Cosby? I hope not. Has my opinion of him changed? I can’t look at him and not wonder. Before we give in to our urgent desire to defend Bill Cosby, my position is that we wait and see how the rest of this story unfolds before we yell racism. Why? Because there are thousands of unreported and late reported rapes every year and when these men, women, and children step forward, someone has to believe them.